Ironside Pilot Episode Review

Ironside Pilot Episode Review

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Copyright ©2017-2024 by Mike Quigley. No reproduction of any kind without permission.

WARNING: The following review contains spoilers and the plot is given away!

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S01E00: Pilot Episode *
Original air date: March 28, 1967
Director: James Goldstone; Producer: Collier Young; Writers: Collier Young (story) & Don M. Mankiewicz (teleplay); Music: Quincy Jones. Time: 1:36:39.

As the show opens, Robert T. Ironside (Raymond Burr), chief of detectives for the San Francisco police department, is taking a forced vacation at the country farm in Glen Ellen, CA, owned by Police Commissioner Dennis Randall (Gene Lyons). Ironside is complaining about the chickens at the farm, saying "I don't even like eggs."

Someone from far away takes a shot at Ironside with a rifle, hitting him more than once, including his right hand. He falls to the porch where he is found the next day by a man coming to the farm (Harry Basch). He is taken by ambulance to St. Mary's hospital in Sonoma, which results in an interminable journey as the main titles are seen.

Back at police headquarters, Detective Sergeant Ed Brown (Don Galloway), who will become one of Ironside's team, seems upset what about happened, though his connection to Ironside is not made clear. Ed seems very pissed off, telling another policeman, "Do you know what he used to tell me? The only excuse for a policeman taking a day off is death ... his own." He slams his locker door, angrily.

Following this, some woman is shown naked from the back in the dressing room of a sleazy dive like a strip club. After she puts on a robe, a guy who looks like a reporter interviewing her is going to take a picture of her with a flash camera. He looks like a total wanker. I originally thought this woman was Barbara Anderson, soon to play Eve Whitfield, another of Ironside's team. But Jeff Alexander points out that this is Grace Lee Whitney of Star Trek fame, who is in the IMDb cast list for the show as Stripper (uncredited). So what the heck is Whitney doing in the show? She tells the reporter, "If it weren't for Ironside, I'll still be a shoplifter. He made me understand I had a talent. He was a policeman, but he had an eye for the finer things in life." There is no way that this woman can be an "bum and back" stand-in for Anderson, since there are no edits in the scene. She suddenly appears without any connection to the show except as someone giving Ironside a character reference for being a neat guy. This is foreshadowing some of the story oddities to appear in future episodes.

Barbara Anderson as Eve Whitfield appears immediately after this, telling some reporters who are hassling her, "I am a Whitfield. I'm also a graduate of Briarcliff and Swarthmore [a women's college in New York which closed in 1977 and a private liberal arts college in Pennsylvania respectively]. And I'm on the force because I was a witness to the jewel robbery three years ago and Chief Ironside said that I had excellent powers of observation ... 'for a broad,' he said." When asked if she went to the police academy, she says Ironside said not to, "that police work would break my heart." She seems upset about this question. I think it is very unusual that she would become a cop and avoid going through the academy just on someone's recommendation.

Hearing about Ironside's shooting, some TV types have pulled film out of an archive which shows him addressing rookie cops at their graduation ceremony in 1959 and really not holding back as far as telling them how their life will be from that point on. He also makes some not complimentary comments about the Police Commissioner and the Mayor. Although this film, to be used as part of an expected obituary, has never been aired, it is in really bad condition, as if to say "this is an old piece of film." One of the two journalists, who both expect Ironside to croak, is Stuart Margolin, uncredited. But Ironside disappoints the TV guys, and lives.

In the video, Ironside uses the word "flamin'" during his short speech, presumably as a substitute for the word "fucking," such as happened on the rebooted series of Battlestar Galactica (2003-2009), where the substituted word was "fracking." This word replacement will soon be heard again.

Ed shows up at the hospital where Ironside is in room 204, bringing flowers and a bottle of booze. Ironside uses "flamin'" twice while Sister Agatha (Lilia Skala), a nun, is standing nearby. A doctor (David Sheiner) gives Ironside the bad news: "You're not going to die ... not from your wound, that is. The bullet shattered a nerve junction in your spine ... it means there is no reason why you can't live a full and productive life. When you leave here, you can do anything you like ... except walk." After having waited for them to deliver this verdict and considering them to have been dragging their asses, Ironside tells them to get lost: "I've had guys confess to murder quicker."

Later, when both Ed and Eve show up to take Ironside out of the hospital, nurses present him with a wheelchair of his own, commenting on his "courage and unfailing good humor which ... have been an inspiration to us all," and saying he is "the world's greatest detective." Ironside is hard-pressed not to start yelling at them, thanking them as he is wheeled out of the place.

On the way back to town, Ironside orders Ed and Eve to "stop the flamin' car." He tells Eve to call him a "cripple" and Ed to say "that goes for me too." Ironside says, "Now, the two of you have said it, and neither of you has to say it again."

Later at a club where cops and reporters hang out, Ironside talks to the Commissioner, who says it would be difficult for Ironside to resume working. But Ironside tells him if he works for nothing as a consultant where he is trying to solve his own case, he won't forfeit his pension and there won't be any big issues with police bureaucracy. The Commissioner tells the reporters, "Chief Ironside will work out of my office on special assignment."

Ironside takes up residence in an empty storeroom on the third floor of the police building, with Ed and Eve joining him. In this room, aside from special ramps and rehabilitation necessities like exercise bars, are about 30 cans of chili on the wall above the stove. When Eve questions this, Ironside tells her, "Chili happens to contain every food element needed to support life." When the Commissioner appears, complaining that Ironside has expropriated an old police truck for his purposes and is also cooking in his new digs, contrary to the rules, Ironside tells him words to the effect, "I didn't hear any of that."

The team starts to track down people who might hate Ironside so much they wanted to kill him. Mark Sanger (Don Mitchell), a young black guy, considered to be one of Ironside's "dissatisfied customers," shows up at the cop shop, having just been busted. Ironside talks to him, and says, "I don't think you're stupid, only ignorant and angry." Ironside remembers he suggested Mark should get "youthful offender treatment" for his earlier offenses, to which Mark says "You're going to tell me about Jackie Robinson and Ralph Bunche and Booker T. Washington."

Ironside is blunt: "You make me sick, there you are, standing on your own two feet in front of a man who can't and you're sorry for yourself because you're black? Well, paint me black and let me walk out of here." Mark tells Ironside he hates him and would like to kill him. But when Ironside shows Mark a gun on the floor he's been practicing trying to pick up, Mark takes the gun and fires it in the other direction, causing damage which Ironside says will cost Mark $8.35, due tomorrow.

Down in the police garage, the mechanic Wheels Montana (Eddie Firestone) has revamped an old police truck with a new V8 engine plus a hydraulic system for Ironside's wheelchair and other goodies. When Mark shows up the next day without the money, Ironside offers him a job to "work it out," driving him around and pushing his wheelchair. Mark says, "you lookin' for a 'boy'," but Ironside replies, "No, just legs ... you got 'em and I need 'em." Mark starts pushing, for a salary of $20 a week out of Ironside's own pocket.

The first suspect they go to see is "Baby Peggy" Marvel (Ayllene Gibbons), a grossly overweight woman who runs a garage. She is so disgusted to see Ironside, she pushes him backwards almost out of his wheelchair and is restrained by Ed and Eve. Ironside says if she had already tried to kill him, she wouldn't just want to scratch his eyes out.

Ironside and the others return to the ranch, the scene of the crime. In scouring the area where the shooter supposedly was standing, Ed found six acorns, but there are no oak trees anywhere near that location. In trying to duplicate what happened when he was shot, Ironside throws himself out his wheelchair on the ground. I find it hard to believe that Mark can pick him up, considering how much Raymond Burr must have weighed.

Ironside suddenly has a brainstorm, wanting to talk to the field agent to the local Department of Agriculture and also the office of the local Boy Scout troop. The scouts, whose leader is Wally Cox, scour the area at night where the shooter was likely standing, even though it has already been vacuumed with special police equipment. They don't find anything, but Eve does, totally by accident -- the shell casings from the rifle that fired the shots that hit Ironside are far away from where the shooter was standing.

Ironside has a theory that a packrat would have taken acorns from a faraway oak which is in the area not used as a base for the shooter and swapped them with the six shell casings from the shots that paralyzed him. This is actual pack rat behavior, according to Wikipedia.

Back at the office, the team discusses other suspects. The shell casings they found came from ammunition used during World War II. After the war, the government sold left-over ammo to places like institutions offering ROTC (Reserve Officers' Training Corps, a leadership training and development program that prepares full-time, college-enrolled students for armed service training). This would include land grant colleges, military schools and high schools.

Suspects who may have attended an institution like one of these narrows down to six people, three of whom are deceased and two are in jail. The remaining person is Anthony Emmens, a young poet with a genius IQ over 200 who was expelled from a military academy at age 17. When he was kicked out of the place, he stole a rifle and used it to fire pot shots into lamp lights and engage in other vandalism. This brought him to the attention of the police and Ironside, and he was given juvenile offender treatment at a facility which he was discharged from just five days before Ironside was shot. A bullet from a rifle which was presumably used by Emmens during his earlier rampages matches one taken from Ironside's body.

The team goes to the center for juvenile offenders. In talking to the head psychiatrist, Ironside is already getting hot under the collar, but then calms down, saying, "The trouble with me is I've listened to so many irate citizens I couldn't pass up the chance to be one." Emmens' doctor, named Schley (Joel Fabiani) says his patient was "brilliant," but also "confused, bitter and angry." He hated his parents, who had a lot of money and thought if they spent enough of it, they could produce a normal boy. When Schley says he regretted releasing the kid, Ironside says "you did the best you could."

Schley reveals more about Emmens, saying he was a loner: "It was hard for him to make friends ... there was a girl [Ellen Wells], she got out about six months ago." When Emmens' parents are visited after this, they are cold and indifferent: "Why should we hear from him? We only sent him to the best schools we could find." However, they mention their son was interested in an industrial arts teacher who "had taste," who taught at the Metropolitan Military Academy where he was sent. (The father is played, uncredited, by Nicholas Colasanto.)

At this academy, a military man (uncredited actor) says that Emmens "was very good with rifles" as well as poetry. The teacher, a woman named Honor Thompson, taught welding once a week and created artistic works called "constructions." She was 10 years older than Emmens. When Ironside wonders if there was some hanky-panky between the two, the military guy says "a military academy is not exactly lover's lane."

Back at the office, because they can't track down either Tony or his girlfriend Ellen through the parole board, Ironside starts having another temper tantrum. Ed comes out with an astounding response: "I keep remembering you're a cripple, just like you told me. Funny, you're the one who forgets it. So I'll remind you ... you're a cripple, Chief. You can't do it all yourself anymore, you have to lean on me and Eve and Mark. so you feel sore and frustrated, but that's the way it is. So take it out on whoever shot you. Anyway, you weren't all that perfect when you had legs." Ironside seems a bit remorseful after this.

Since the guy at the military school could not provide an address for Thompson, Eve goes to a gallery where some of her works are featured. When an employee of the gallery is hesitant to give Eve information, she whips out her badge and actually uses the word "flamin'" with him.

Ironside goes to see Honor Thompson (Geraldine Brooks), who lives in a waterfront studio in Sausalito called The Forge. There are some unusual camera angles as he arrives. Emmens was Thompson's "friend," and she knows he was released from juvenile hall recently, but declines helping to locate him, saying "I'm not going to help you put him in a cage." Ironside points out that he can help the kid, because if the cops find him first, he will probably be shot dead, especially if he is armed. He says, "I'll see you at the funeral."

Thompson eventually agrees to help the team track Emmens down, and they go to a coffee house where flaky 1960s personality Tiny Tim is seen introducing a woman who performs what constitutes "music" by bashing a couple of cymbals together. They also watch part of a movie of the Statue of Liberty like something Andy Warhol might have created. Both these sequences, totalling almost 4 minutes, just drag things out, and Emmens is not located. A scene outside these performance spaces showing "hip" people doing stuff is much more convincing, but also doesn't tell us anything.

When Ironside returns to the police building, Emmens' girlfriend Ellen Wells (Kim Darby) is there, though there is no indication how she knew the cops were looking for her or Tony. She won't tell where Emmens is staying, but says in half an hour he will be with her at the Webb-Brady Clinic. Ironside is driven there by Mark, but when he finally sees Emmens, there is an escalator between the two of them. Ironside yells at the kid and attempts to go down the escalator holding on to the railings, not using his wheelchair, but at the bottom he falls on his face and Emmens escapes along with Ellen.

Later, Thompson calls Ironside's office, saying that Emmens wants to see her that night at her place, telling Ironside to come there just by himself, because if Tony sees him with anyone else, he will probably "go over the edge." A complicated system of paging Ironside is set up to let him know when Emmens has arrived, and he eventually goes to the waterfront studio. On his way there, he almost loses control when his wheelchair goes down a hill.

At The Forge, Ironside finds Emmens dead, with a bullet in his head, having written on a piece of paper only the words "To whom it may concern..." Because of the way Emmens was shot, Ironside realizes that he was killed by Thompson, who is left-handed. She is outraged, not only because Emmens had a girlfriend -- Ellen -- but because the people in the military school "changed his personality." She was the one who shot Ironside because of his involvement in Emmons' case earlier -- but how would she have known that he was at the ranch out in the sticks, not at the police station in San Francisco?

Thompson, furious about Ironside's involvement in all this, attempts to kill him using a blowtorch that she used to make her "art works." The end of the show is kind of hairy, as the hose to the blowtorch keeps getting tangled up, and a kerosene lamp falls on the floor and catches on fire ... which then sets Thompson herself on fire (she seems to walk right into the blaze).

Thompson exits the building and jumps into the nearby harbor, and the rest of Ironside's team suddenly appears, much to his annoyance. Eve jumps into the water to pull Thompson out ... and the local firemen show up too, which makes Ironside angry because he was supposed to be there alone. He regrets not being able to save Emmens' life.

The second hour of the show gets kind of complicated, considering the plot has already ventured along bizarre paths, and not just the sequence with Tiny Tim. Obviously there is no way that the angle of a young guy having a sexual relationship with a woman considerably older than himself would have been allowed on TV in 1967. From the first season episodes of the show that I have reviewed, the convoluted plotting seen in this pilot is not unusual, bringing to mind the stereotypical complicated plots of Raymond Burr's other series, Perry Mason.

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